Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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