I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
