my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
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