It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
