He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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