Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
