The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize