I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
