she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
