I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
