i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
