My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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