me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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