DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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