just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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