So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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