she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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