i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
