She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
