So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
