you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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