Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
