dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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