I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
