Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
