You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
