Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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