so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
