okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
