I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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