a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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