i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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