I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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