haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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