just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
