Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
