it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
