My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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