take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize