i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
where are my eyebrows?
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