Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
