Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
too bad you live with your parents still
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Found the puke drawer
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
