just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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