I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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