I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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