420 ftw
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
