I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize