i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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