dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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