Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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