you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
