I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
