i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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