I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
