1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
