He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
